Screw Up

I don't try to be a screw up but seem to always find myself on the losing side of my choices on a constant basis. I want to be something wonderful but can't seem to maintain that normal that everyone else seems to hold to, I get too comfortable and I mess up those things I value the most, friendships, my family, at work I am described as quirky, I mess up all of it. Some would say it is because I hold myself to too high of a standard, everything I do must be perfect and when it isn't I lose all sense of perspective. Sometimes I think it is something inside of me that messes up on purpose because I don't think I deserve anything good in my life. I really think I don't deserve anything good, I am bad, evil, not worth redemption and so I make it my reality. Sometimes I fight against that belief but when I am tired or depressed, I hate myself, if I make a mistake I cannot forgive myself. I am too flawed to remain alive and not capable of removing myself from this life. Black and white thinking, all good, all bad, no room for errors.