I have mentioned that I suffer from chronic depression, it seemed that my psychiatrist and I had finally found a combination that was working for me, but like any medications they have side effects, one of those effects is to decrease desire for physical intimacy. I struggle so much to feel and be present during physical intimacy that I decided to decrease one of my meds because I want to feel, so I decreased one of my meds. I usually do better as the number of hours the sun is up increases and the weather improves to sprinter(yes I called it sprinter) time, tulips are blooming, I don't go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, so I figured I could do it, it's not like I was going to quit taking them all together. While I am not as low as I can go I am once again tormented by the monster, I hate this balancing act between feeling too little in one way or being semi functional in the rest of my life.
I am not saying I can't find joy, I have plenty of things that I smile about, laugh about, and even want to do, but each of those things takes more of a physical and mental effort. Problems and upsets that are small feel like big problems and big problems feel enormous. If feels like carrying around a monster with several heads each whispering to you all the things about you that are not perfect, the things you see about yourself you don't like. That black and white thought process takes over and I feel frozen.
I want to be normal, whatever that is. I know life is not without ups and downs, there are too many ducks that don't stay in their rows for there not to be days that are better than others.
Enough for Now
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