Jack Mormon

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or in popular terms, I am a Mormon. I am not active by choice, I have become for all intents and purposes what we oldies call a Jack Mormon. I have no idea where the term comes from, but it means that though I am and will remain on the records of the "church" I am not living by the precepts I was raised on. When I was a child the way my parents talked about Jack Mormons I thought they were the same as the Boogey Man, whatever you did you didn't want to be caught by one of those, or be one of those, they were scary. It was okay if you were not Mormon, but to be a Jack Mormon was the same as being the devil, after all you were a member of the "church", you knew all the truths.

When I was young I thought I couldn't question, it was part respect and part fear of my parents. As a young adult I was raising children and couldn't question, if I didn't raise them in the "church" I would be forever damned. As an adult I couldn't question, I have some deep seated belief that I am responsible for everyone else's salvation if I am to get to heaven. As a middle aged adult I couldn't question, or could I, can I? Can I question the black and white thinking that is so ingrained into my being?

I know that the extreme black and white thought patterns I have came from being sexually abused as a child, but Mormons tend to be very black and white in their thoughts as well. Dare I break that habit and venture out into the world a bit and truly find out who I am for myself. I am daring it,  one foot at a time, testing the thoughts and patterns made up of a lifetime. Many(my spouse Lee included) think I am having a mid life crisis, maybe, but maybe I am just maturing through the points that most go through in adolescence, the finding me stage I skipped since I was stuck developmentally in my black and white thinking, and because I was a teen parent.

So I have become a Jack Mormon, and along the way I am finding room in my life for friends I would have been afraid to reach out to before, I am learning tolerance and love, and I am just a bit rebellious, I don't want to be told I can't do something without a really good reason as to why. I am stretching myself, I sang karaoke at a bar, I drank shots with my friends, I have good days and bad, my ducks still won't stay in their neat little rows but I no longer think it is because I am not a good enough person. It's all just life, I still need counseling to deal with it in ways that are healthy, I fall back into black and white thinking when I am really feeling overwhelmed but I am better, even if I am a Jack Mormon.

Enough for Now