They're Playing My Song

Welcome to K-F--- radio! Playing all negative, all the time!

My friend Horatio calls it playing K-F--- radio when your head is endlessly filled with thoughts of how inadequate you are, what a screw up you are being, going over all the things in your life that are causing stress, things you can't change for the most part, like a childs' chronic illness, or your adult childs' choices. The thoughts are rarely rational, or helpful, serving only the purpose of self flagellation.

 I know this but I still let K-F--- radio run through my head like the latest hit song until I'm sick of myself. Lately it is the only station I can seem to listen to, awake or asleep there is no escape, my thoughts even follow me into my dreams, often leaving me more exhausted upon awakening than I was when I went to bed, this is provided I can turn off my head long enough to fall asleep at all.

I haven't felt this trapped and depressed in a long time, I can usually remind myself that each day the sun shines a little longer before the darkness begins, but right now while I am in the middle of this bone deep sadness it is difficult to see that it will have and end, that I will feel better in time.I don't feel like I can share my feelings with others, I have learned that I lose the ones close to me if I burden them with my dark thoughts. So instead I put on my mask and go out and pretend I am fine, and I share here where I am anonymous, where the tears of my heart can be released.

Holiday Holes

NO matter how much time passes by ther is a hole in our home that nothing can fill, no other time of the year save Fathers day leaves as much of a hole as Christmas time. Small things become reminders of the last Christmas that we spent as a complete family, Colley's Christmas stocking sits empty, family tradition is for each family member to receive an ornament from Mrs.Claus on Christmas Eve to be placed on the tree, ornaments meant to go with that child once they leave home to start their own traditions. My heart aches with the memories of the past, the bittersweet memories bring joy and pain. Colley's first Christmas when the children in our family get a very special teddy bear, his last Christmas, and all the times between. I so enjoy watching my other children and grandchildren and thank God they are here but nothing will ever make us whole.