I have mentioned that I suffer from chronic depression, it seemed that my psychiatrist and I had finally found a combination that was working for me, but like any medications they have side effects, one of those effects is to decrease desire for physical intimacy. I struggle so much to feel and be present during physical intimacy that I decided to decrease one of my meds because I want to feel, so I decreased one of my meds. I usually do better as the number of hours the sun is up increases and the weather improves to sprinter(yes I called it sprinter) time, tulips are blooming, I don't go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, so I figured I could do it, it's not like I was going to quit taking them all together. While I am not as low as I can go I am once again tormented by the monster, I hate this balancing act between feeling too little in one way or being semi functional in the rest of my life.
I am not saying I can't find joy, I have plenty of things that I smile about, laugh about, and even want to do, but each of those things takes more of a physical and mental effort. Problems and upsets that are small feel like big problems and big problems feel enormous. If feels like carrying around a monster with several heads each whispering to you all the things about you that are not perfect, the things you see about yourself you don't like. That black and white thought process takes over and I feel frozen.
I want to be normal, whatever that is. I know life is not without ups and downs, there are too many ducks that don't stay in their rows for there not to be days that are better than others.
Enough for Now
Showing posts with label judgement of self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label judgement of self. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Jack Mormon
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or in popular terms, I am a Mormon. I am not active by choice, I have become for all intents and purposes what we oldies call a Jack Mormon. I have no idea where the term comes from, but it means that though I am and will remain on the records of the "church" I am not living by the precepts I was raised on. When I was a child the way my parents talked about Jack Mormons I thought they were the same as the Boogey Man, whatever you did you didn't want to be caught by one of those, or be one of those, they were scary. It was okay if you were not Mormon, but to be a Jack Mormon was the same as being the devil, after all you were a member of the "church", you knew all the truths.
When I was young I thought I couldn't question, it was part respect and part fear of my parents. As a young adult I was raising children and couldn't question, if I didn't raise them in the "church" I would be forever damned. As an adult I couldn't question, I have some deep seated belief that I am responsible for everyone else's salvation if I am to get to heaven. As a middle aged adult I couldn't question, or could I, can I? Can I question the black and white thinking that is so ingrained into my being?
I know that the extreme black and white thought patterns I have came from being sexually abused as a child, but Mormons tend to be very black and white in their thoughts as well. Dare I break that habit and venture out into the world a bit and truly find out who I am for myself. I am daring it, one foot at a time, testing the thoughts and patterns made up of a lifetime. Many(my spouse Lee included) think I am having a mid life crisis, maybe, but maybe I am just maturing through the points that most go through in adolescence, the finding me stage I skipped since I was stuck developmentally in my black and white thinking, and because I was a teen parent.
So I have become a Jack Mormon, and along the way I am finding room in my life for friends I would have been afraid to reach out to before, I am learning tolerance and love, and I am just a bit rebellious, I don't want to be told I can't do something without a really good reason as to why. I am stretching myself, I sang karaoke at a bar, I drank shots with my friends, I have good days and bad, my ducks still won't stay in their neat little rows but I no longer think it is because I am not a good enough person. It's all just life, I still need counseling to deal with it in ways that are healthy, I fall back into black and white thinking when I am really feeling overwhelmed but I am better, even if I am a Jack Mormon.
Enough for Now
When I was young I thought I couldn't question, it was part respect and part fear of my parents. As a young adult I was raising children and couldn't question, if I didn't raise them in the "church" I would be forever damned. As an adult I couldn't question, I have some deep seated belief that I am responsible for everyone else's salvation if I am to get to heaven. As a middle aged adult I couldn't question, or could I, can I? Can I question the black and white thinking that is so ingrained into my being?
I know that the extreme black and white thought patterns I have came from being sexually abused as a child, but Mormons tend to be very black and white in their thoughts as well. Dare I break that habit and venture out into the world a bit and truly find out who I am for myself. I am daring it, one foot at a time, testing the thoughts and patterns made up of a lifetime. Many(my spouse Lee included) think I am having a mid life crisis, maybe, but maybe I am just maturing through the points that most go through in adolescence, the finding me stage I skipped since I was stuck developmentally in my black and white thinking, and because I was a teen parent.
So I have become a Jack Mormon, and along the way I am finding room in my life for friends I would have been afraid to reach out to before, I am learning tolerance and love, and I am just a bit rebellious, I don't want to be told I can't do something without a really good reason as to why. I am stretching myself, I sang karaoke at a bar, I drank shots with my friends, I have good days and bad, my ducks still won't stay in their neat little rows but I no longer think it is because I am not a good enough person. It's all just life, I still need counseling to deal with it in ways that are healthy, I fall back into black and white thinking when I am really feeling overwhelmed but I am better, even if I am a Jack Mormon.
Enough for Now
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Little White Lies
I went and saw a counselor on a more or less emergency basis, my work has it set up that you can't just decide you might need to go to counseling without going in for an assessment and telling someone you don't know your secrets in 20 min or less and then they decide if you need someone to give you regular counseling. My psychiatrist has wanted me to go to regular counseling for the last year but I have avoided it since I hate the process of starting over and with our system it means doing it twice. Spilling your heart to someone and waiting to hear their judgement is horrible, but I knew I didn't like where my thoughts were going, for the first time in months I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to be gone, I try not to give such thoughts a home but they can be insidious.
So I went and I sat and I told my secrets, sure enough she told me she thinks I need regular counseling, so I will get to start over again. She was a very reassuring person and I would have liked to see her as a continuing counselor but no one there is like Marcia was and skirts the rules that I can only see them three times and then I must move on. She asked if I was actvely suicidal and I told her the truth my thoughts were trending that was but that I was still in control, she asked if I was safe with myself and I told her yes I was. Then she asked what I would do if I wasn't safe with myself and I told her the truth I would lie. She was a bit taken aback by my answer and looked at me and said, wrong answer. So I told her what she wanted to hear, I would tell my husband if I was suicidal, I would check myself into the hospital, I would not hurt myself.
Part of what I said is true, I will not hurt myself, I do not want to die, I just want relief from the never ending battle that life presents. I want all "my" ducks to stay in a row and I don't want to be told they aren't my damn ducks. I want my dog to not have cancer, I want to be able to pay all my bills and have enough left over to not feel guilty doing things for myself, I want my sons healthy, I'm tired of the weakness of mortal bodies, of the endless pain.
I am going to go to a counselor on a regular basis, what she asked did I want my counselor to be like, hmmm, no one has ever asked me that, so I was honest, not too Mormon, someone who has experience with sexual abuse, not younger than me, I don't want a counselor my kids age telling me how to do things she learned in a book, needs to be female. Our time was done, she looked at me and said you are amazing look at everything you do every day, Now I was surprised, but she meant it, I get up, I take care of my grandson, I work as a nurse, I work in our tax business, I do laundry I breathe, I take care of a child with a chronic illness, I do what I have to, trying desperately to keep the ducks in line as best I can, even if they aren't my damn ducks.
Enough for Now
So I went and I sat and I told my secrets, sure enough she told me she thinks I need regular counseling, so I will get to start over again. She was a very reassuring person and I would have liked to see her as a continuing counselor but no one there is like Marcia was and skirts the rules that I can only see them three times and then I must move on. She asked if I was actvely suicidal and I told her the truth my thoughts were trending that was but that I was still in control, she asked if I was safe with myself and I told her yes I was. Then she asked what I would do if I wasn't safe with myself and I told her the truth I would lie. She was a bit taken aback by my answer and looked at me and said, wrong answer. So I told her what she wanted to hear, I would tell my husband if I was suicidal, I would check myself into the hospital, I would not hurt myself.
Part of what I said is true, I will not hurt myself, I do not want to die, I just want relief from the never ending battle that life presents. I want all "my" ducks to stay in a row and I don't want to be told they aren't my damn ducks. I want my dog to not have cancer, I want to be able to pay all my bills and have enough left over to not feel guilty doing things for myself, I want my sons healthy, I'm tired of the weakness of mortal bodies, of the endless pain.
I am going to go to a counselor on a regular basis, what she asked did I want my counselor to be like, hmmm, no one has ever asked me that, so I was honest, not too Mormon, someone who has experience with sexual abuse, not younger than me, I don't want a counselor my kids age telling me how to do things she learned in a book, needs to be female. Our time was done, she looked at me and said you are amazing look at everything you do every day, Now I was surprised, but she meant it, I get up, I take care of my grandson, I work as a nurse, I work in our tax business, I do laundry I breathe, I take care of a child with a chronic illness, I do what I have to, trying desperately to keep the ducks in line as best I can, even if they aren't my damn ducks.
Enough for Now
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Shoulding on Myself
I once heard Richard Blaise, who competed on Top Chef, state that he has these great ideas for wonderful meals and makes those meals reality only to hate them the second they were completed and want to throw the food away and start over because he never feels he had done good enough and should have done this thing and that thing different.
A counselor of mine called this "Shoulding on Yourself". I am very good at shoulding on myself, in fact I am so good I could teach classes. I judge myself constantly on what I feel I should have done and cannot see that I do anything well. For example I have created wedding cakes for family and others and like Richard Blaise would toss them out and start over because no amount of perfection would make me feel I had done well. I brush aside any praise and point out whatever flaws I perceive may be present.
So I decided I would stop shoulding on myself at least for a moment and list those things I have done, without putting the usual self qualifiers as to why it isn't good enough and without "shoulding".
1. I graduated from high school while married and after having a baby
2. I delivered six beautiful healthy baby boys without medications.
3. I have written two songs
5. I can sing
6. I went to college/nursing school while raising three small children and had a fourth child while
attending college and graduated with honors.
7. I have been married to the same man for over 27 years.
8. I completed a bachelors in nursing, graduating respectively while mourning my child's death.
9. I survived the death of one of my sons.
10. My husband and I have opened a business/franchise and currently have two tax prep. stores
11. I have recently started a business with a long time friend
12. I decorate creative character cakes and have made a total of six wedding cakes, all self taught
13. My husband and I are raising one of our grandchildren.
Just a few things listed and hard for me to do without feeling that niggling little voice at the back of my head that tells me how my accomplishments are minor, not enough, so I'm squashing the should monster. I am good enough.
Enough for Now
A counselor of mine called this "Shoulding on Yourself". I am very good at shoulding on myself, in fact I am so good I could teach classes. I judge myself constantly on what I feel I should have done and cannot see that I do anything well. For example I have created wedding cakes for family and others and like Richard Blaise would toss them out and start over because no amount of perfection would make me feel I had done well. I brush aside any praise and point out whatever flaws I perceive may be present.
So I decided I would stop shoulding on myself at least for a moment and list those things I have done, without putting the usual self qualifiers as to why it isn't good enough and without "shoulding".
1. I graduated from high school while married and after having a baby
2. I delivered six beautiful healthy baby boys without medications.
3. I have written two songs
5. I can sing
6. I went to college/nursing school while raising three small children and had a fourth child while
attending college and graduated with honors.
7. I have been married to the same man for over 27 years.
8. I completed a bachelors in nursing, graduating respectively while mourning my child's death.
9. I survived the death of one of my sons.
10. My husband and I have opened a business/franchise and currently have two tax prep. stores
11. I have recently started a business with a long time friend
12. I decorate creative character cakes and have made a total of six wedding cakes, all self taught
13. My husband and I are raising one of our grandchildren.
Just a few things listed and hard for me to do without feeling that niggling little voice at the back of my head that tells me how my accomplishments are minor, not enough, so I'm squashing the should monster. I am good enough.
Enough for Now
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