Doubts

I am a descendant of the first Mormon pioneers to enter the Salt Lake Valley, I am amazed at the faith they must have had to make the journey. My ancestors were persecuted, their money, possessions and  property taken from them, they were forced from their homes and even at one point a declaration of extermination was made. In spite of this and all the struggles on the trail they persevered, they endured to the end, I know along the way some fell into apostasy, I have relatives in the eastern United States and up into Canada who are the descendants of Joseph Scotts' daughter who left the church while the saints were still in Missouri.

I admire the tenacity of my ancestors and hope I have in some small measure the internal fortitude they showed to not only endure but to thrive. My parents are fourth generation descendants of those who came into the valley, my parents have not always been active members but they instilled in us their belief that the LDS church is the fullness of the gospel come to earth. I never really questioned whether or not the gospel was true, there is something in me that can see that this world is too complex to have been a random act and then after I was abused I thought the only way to salvation would be to be the most perfect member I could.

Any time that I began to question anything I squashed the thought, I read my scriptures, attended, seminary, and prayed, always believing that if I did it right, if I endured, then maybe, just maybe, I would see heaven. If I wasn't accepted, or if I questioned, I figured this was my failure, it was that nameless evil within me that I could not have a constant and enduring testimony.

Heaven is a place I shall not see, Heaven was not made for such as me.

Still I continued to attend, I went to the temple and was sealed to my husband and children for time and all eternity, I am not saying that I would not have ever gone to the temple at a later date, but they day we went I think I would have left if there were not so many of our family members and church members there to see us. I did not do it for myself, I did it for my parents, the people who I felt judged me for being a teen parent and because it was expected if I was ever to erase the stain on my soul.

 I still did not question, I raised my children in the LDS church, baptized each at age eight, and agonized over their salvation since if parents do not teach their children then they are under greater condemnation by God. I thought that to be a good member that anything that appeared evil need to be avoided, I could not associate with anyone who had views differing from what was taught, I lost opportunities to spend time with friends and family who were not members or were not active members to avoid this "appearance of evil",or I so tightly controlled those times we were together that true closeness never developed. I regret every day the missed closeness I could have shared with good people.

Religious people(myself previously included) explain away hardship, tragedy and the failure of such things as blessings by the laying on of hands by saying such things as it was God's will or that it was your fault because you obviously didn't have enough faith, or you have not prayed hard enough or the right way or long enough. You need to endure to the end and God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I internalized this well, my depression, chronic physical illness, the death of my child were all because of the flaw in my own soul, no matter that I spent countless hours asking, not to be healed of my illness but just to know what was causing my illness, relief from my depression and above all for my sons to be protected, somehow it was my failure, I caused it. Supposedly God doesn't interfere in the natural course of events, and yet stories of miracles abound, stories of healing, timely interventions, and yet there was no such thing for my son. God was fickle, of course thinking this just proved I was bad and I pushed my doubts away.

I was angry, well meaning people would spout the phrase about God not giving us more than we can handle, I just nodded my head and refrained from telling them I didn't believe that. I thought about Emma Smith, she was the wife of the prophet Joseph Smith, she left the church after the death of her beloved husband after years of tragedy after tragedy and finally the martyrdom of the prophet.She could not take one more thing and stayed in Nauvoo when the other saints left, this great woman could no longer endure. Push the doubts away.

Four years ago I went on a pioneer reenactment, they needed a nurse for the medical staff, I was really excited and really wanted to go and have a small taste of what my ancestors experienced. The other staff members had been meeting for months previous to the trek and had established relationships, I was a last minute add on when the original nurse could not attend. Talk about being an outsider, there was no room for me in the staff circle, and as staff we were not part of the families that were put together of the other participants. If two people had not taken pity on me I would have been sleeping on the ground by myself, they even forgot to feed me the first day and I had to mooch off others. There were things that were wonderful and I have some good memories of the trek, but my feelings of being an outsider in the LDS faith were growing.

I chose to no longer be active just over a year ago, I gave up my card carrying status and began questioning the beliefs that I had been afraid to question before. I am sure I shocked people when I said that I was not so sure that there was a benevolent God watching over us or if there was he either had a wretchedly wicked sense of humor or he dropped us off here and left our world to its own devices to succeed or fail as we will. LDS beliefs are unique in our view of the universe and I just can't accept them at this time, my friend calls me rebellious and I suppose I am, but I also feel free for the first time in many years, I am still a Mormon by covenant and record but I will choose if I return for the right reasons, it won't be for guilt, or for family, it will be for self.

With my decision to revisit tightly held beliefs I worried my children would be angry or feel I had lied to them, I was surprised and relieved when talking to them, they accept and love me without question. I told them they are each old enough to make their own decision about what they choose to believe, that I want them to do it only for themselves, to be driven by their decisions, their faith, to never do it for me, or for any other person on earth. Lee is having a little more trouble understanding the me I am becoming, I don't have all the answers and he too will have to find out what he wants for himself without me dragging him along like if I could get him saved I could hold onto his coat tails into heaven.

Enough for Now.