Marriage at any age is difficult, add in teen parenthood and too often you have an almost certain set up for divorce, I was determined I would not fail, I was already sure that I was a condemned soul but if I could save Lee then I could maybe have some small measure of hope.
We started attending church meetings, if you are not familiar with LDS(or Mormon) church services we meet on a block schedule three hours in length, the first hour men and women meet separately, middle is Sunday school, and last is Sacrament meeting where families are joined together in the chapel. Adult women are expected to meet in Relief Society starting at age 18 where we are given lessons on subjects such as being a good homemaker, so here I was 17 still in high school and put into a class where, while most were kind, I still felt the condemnation of not having been properly married in the temple. Still I went to class each week hoping to find some comfort in the words I heard but in my mind I was sure I would never attain the perfection a person like myself would need to enter into my Fathers' kingdom. We were married in the temple at a later date but that is a story for another day.
One other thing that happens when you are a child of sexual abuse is that intimacy is difficult, although I felt that I had given myself to my spouse and I felt that by the teachings of my faith that I was to submit to the will of my husband, I had difficulty responding, I rarely said no to his wants, I felt I had no right to. So I continued my role of shame, I wanted to feel, I wanted that normal release, I found it only when I could separate myself from the act, even when I didn't want to do the things that were asked of me, but didn't feel I could say no, separating myself led to different feelings of shame and so the circle continued, shame, guilt, remorse, fear, further separation, back to shame.
Lee never struck me with a fist, there are other types of abuse that can be just as devastating if not more. I never said no even when I felt shame or physical pain from what was asked for or even just taken(he would have called it persuading), I felt it was deserved, earned even, everything was my fault. On one side we were told to submit ourselves to our husbands and on the other we were given strict guidelines as to what types of intimacy were appropriate, so my guilt and shame increased. I was sure my sin could be seen by anyone who looked at me, like I carried some kind of scarlet letter on my head. It was six children, and many years of marriage and lots of therapy(for me) later before I ever stood up to my husband and called it abuse. It was one of the hardest things I ever did to admit to a counselor that I was being used that way, I thought they would blame me, or say it was his right.
Why did I stay? Why am I still married to Lee after more than 27 years? A counselor once told me I needed to decide what scared me more, staying or being alone, I hadn't told her of the abuse, that was too shameful, and at the time being alone was to be feared and being that I still felt I was damaged goods and could expect nothing better, I stayed. In the months just prior to the time that I finally told of the abuse I had an emotional affair, it seemed safe, he was out of state, I wanted to feel cherished, and I did for a time.
I wish I could say it had stayed long distance and emotional, but I met him in person just once, we kissed, held hands, we had some physical contact although my husband is the only one I have ever been fully intimate with, I ended up feeling used, and dirty and evil, I actually contemplated death, I wanted to cease existing, I also felt like I was now responsible for any sin on his part. He never spoke to me again, he just disappeared, use them and lose them, and stupid me I let it happen again. I know a part of me wanted to give Lee a reason to leave me, to hate me. Obviously I went home, I ended up telling Lee what had happened, he wanted to know why I fell for such an obvious cad, I was probably just his newest conquest, surely I didn't think he hadn't been doing this for years?
I ended up confessing to our bishop, because of my guilt and shame and I was called to a church court and put on probation for my sins, Lee who had abused me for years and my bishop was aware of it by this time, was told to get counseling. He did go to counseling but I am never quite sure how much of it he absorbed, I know in couples counseling he wouldn't do the things we were assigned to do, we had one counselor tell us we were wasting her time, he was good at deflecting onto me and being the good little victim I was then, I accepted the blame.
Needless to say I have trust issues, while I don't think he would ever again force me, he still tries to repeat acts I find painful, I can at least tell him no know and he will stop, as long as I am firm about it, but I don't ever dare let my guard down. I still struggle to respond, I still separate emotionally during intimacy with him, it is a continuous battle within my head and heart. He can be more tender than he was but I cannot fully trust, I still feel this is my shameful secret.Most of the time I still sleep on the edge of the bed, as far away as I can, looking at us from the outside you would never guess that we are anything but what we appear, a married couple raising a family with a successful marriage.
So why do I stay? I don't know how to answer that, maybe it's just that I cannot imagine my life without it being intertwined with his, we have history, we know each others stuff and over time we have learned to accommodate each other to an extent that allows us to have some peace and believe it or not I do love him.
Why am I sharing this? I don't want pity, or anger, or protection, I am learning to be strong for myself, it is a continuous process, giving up that black and white thinking is a hard thing to do. I have to work at it, finding forgiveness of myself is a work in progress too, but sometimes you have to let go to move forward.
This is the story of me, my life still unfolds a day at a time, I am not through growing, I am learning I am not responsible for the salvation of others, that it is okay for me to find out who I am, I work daily to remind myself I am not evil, irredeemable, too damaged to expect good, to trust. I do not give trust to others easily.
I am still a Mormon by birth, by heritage, and by ordinances, but I have stepped away from being active, some would say I am apostate, or that I am having a midlife crisis, maybe, but what I feel is free. I want my choices to be my own, I no longer want to continue to be ruled by guilt and shame.
Enough for now.
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